rats, I have to call in sick

EW EW EW, weekly updates is coming in hot with a few caveats: I rarely ever speak about being poorly, but seeing as this week I spent more time in hospital than in the Newsroom, it’s the most honest blog I can give and as I say^ it’s something I do not mention very often.

Mostly - because I do not identify with being poorly as ‘part’ of my journey in work? On occasion though, the world of work crosses over and for this week, alas, that meant spending time in hospital. 

I also write this with the hope that maybe other journalists might speak up? It’s a very demanding job and not one that takes kindly to people who get poorly.

Surface level: My spine is bent PAH

Deeper level: My scoliosis is caused by - most likely - a lack of proper collagen. Whether this is Ehlers Danlos Syndrome is yet to be diagnosed, but I share a lot of symptoms from the disease and my Drs treat me accordingly. 

My spine causes chronic pain, migraines and nerve damage. I had to learn how to walk again at 14. I still cannot write legibly, 10 years on.

 I take three very strong pain medications regularly - one of which is Tramadol. Good ol Tram is an opioid: If I am not in some degree of pain, I am likely incredibly bloody waved. This means I get tired easily and every action feels like I am performing it whilst stuck in honey.

I also have to go through cycles of weaning myself off and on to the medication because opioids are addictive. Some days I don’t want medicine but have to take it, to not experience withdrawal. Some days I cannot take it, in case my body becomes too used to it. 

The most annoying symptom for me though is migraines. My bad posture causes the two tendons that hold my head up to squeeze it tight. The only cure that currently works, is an Orbciptal Nerve Blocker (A fuck-off needle in the back of my skull xoxox).

I have been in hospital for some kind of treatment every five months for the last five years. Twice my friends have had to call ambulances because I have passed out from pain in random bathrooms. I have been hospitalised due to an overdose of pain medication trying to stop the migraines. 

University was tough - I had to teach myself several of my second year modules because of my absences. My grades suffered as a result, which almost affected my Diploma and final grade. I missed out on so many things with my friends and I felt bad for being unreliable. 

Most people have no clue this is the reality. 

They see my scar as a fun ‘tit-bit’ about me, as opposed to the echo of three major spine surgeries, that have left me with lifelong consequences. (Not to mention that every kid we see portrayed in the media who has scoliosis, is always  the ‘unpopular’ butt of the slapstick cartoon joke. Spinal fusion is one of the most painful surgeries a person can have, but yeah - of course - it's dead funny when ‘Samantha’ has to get a back-brace right?!?)

I then get imposter syndrome about whether my pain is valid because of these stigmas and I feel pressure to not be in pain around colleagues, which mentally drains me and makes me far more sensitive than I should be.

In short: It’s embarrassing, exhausting and inconvenient. 

In terms of my work-life, it is a massive hindrance. I constantly have anxiety that I am going to be poorly. 

I have to work through feeling high as a kite some days whilst spending others, in lots of pain. Most workplaces are always ‘accommodating’ but most workplaces (rightfully) expect a consistent standard of work. 

I get anxiety that, because of my illnesses, I will not be able to complete this standard of work and then I feel shame and embarrassment for being ‘too much’. I also get frustrated because I pride myself on producing good work, which is a lot harder when you are in pain or off your tits xo

I also feel more pressure to perform well because when I am poorly, I can’t. I am constantly compensating for my future self which is…. Um, knackering?

Don’t even get me started on how this makes me feel in my personal life or what it’s done to my body image PAHA.

I feel like I am on a constant sand-timer against my own body. What if the nerve blockers stop working before ABC? What if I miss XYZ?

Unfortunately, this week was a prime example. Slap bang in the middle of my probation week. Migraine. 

I had to explain to my workplace that not only can I not come in for a few days, but that I have an ongoing health condition which - despite telling them the very earnest truth, that it ‘rarely’ affects me, - they have caught me on the ‘rare’ occasion where I am bed bound.

Crying and furious, I sat in an A&E bed for 8 hours, to be told the only Dr qualified to do the procedure is unavailable. I need to remain off until they can do the blockers. 

Not the most positive blog, but after a good ten years it does get rather exhausting ESPECIALLY when everything seems to be going okay. 

The silver lining is, I know this treatment works for long periods of time. I also have to stay relatively healthy to maintain my strength ect, which in turn relieves pain. Because of this, I have had lessened symptoms (at least I am not going BACKwards).

Of course, the positives always outweigh the negatives. 9/10 I go about my day without so much as a thought about my wee spine. It’s just not this week. 

ANYWAY, I am hoping to be on the mend for next week. Maybe a gal can claw back that probation ey?